Jade, the Creative. » expiration date

A few days after my tenth birthday, I decided to make a bet with myself. “I bet that I will take my life by the age of sixteen.” And for the next six years, I lived with an internal countdown inside my head. Each day getting closer to the fate that I was so sure was certain to occur. I was almost impatient for the clock to hit zero, even though nothing good ever happens at zero.

No one knew I had an expiration date that would be here before the time I would even finish high school. When I would look at my mom, or my dad, or my brother, or my sister – I felt sorry for them. They had no idea that their time with me was in extremely short supply and would be reaching its conclusion soon. It was like I had this filthy, little secret. I won’t lie – I kind of liked knowing something no one else did.

January 31, 2020 was a particularly hard day for me. It was my birthday. My seventeenth birthday. Not only had I failed my driver’s test that morning, I had also lost the bet. I was still here. I felt like such a coward for not following through, especially when there were so many times where I wanted to. So many times where I tried.

I considered extending, postponing the bet. “Let’s give it until eighteen.” I thought. But that didn’t feel right. I was so sure it was supposed to be by sixteen. So why am I still here? There has to be a reason… right?

For the longest time, I was so angry at God. So angry that He wired me this way. I was so infuriated that I stopped believing in Him all together at one point. I mean, why would my creator put me on this earth to experience so much hopelessness and dejection? It was to the point where I prayed every night that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning and was beyond disappointment when I did.

I believe that there are two types of people in this world. Some people just have this natural, innate contentment to them. They don’t have to put in effort to stay alive, while others do. Others like me who have to actively work towards happiness and finding purpose in life. So that’s what I did. As the years passed, it somehow got easier with time. Still, I would give anything to be the “other type of people”.

“Suicide is something that I keep in my back pocket” is saying that I heard in my Adult Psychopathology lecture one day. Hearing those words was so very satisfying because it was a feeling that I myself have felt since I was ten years old.

Somewhere along the way my back pocket began to be replaced by something else. Hope. That voice in my head that would tell me to just end it all when times get tough is locked away and on mute. Now at twenty-one years old, I see a bright future for myself when just a few years ago all I could see was black. I can now proudly say I am happy to still be here as the person that I am. Most importantly, I hope my expiration date is far, far away.

Ink & Style